stealth missions

these frames.  i have surreptitiously carried these frames out of my nana's basement over the course of the last year and a half.  every time i visit home i "clean the basement" for my grandmother and gather as many as i can fit in my suitcase without eliciting the suspicion of TSA, and bring them back to seattle.    she visited last weekend and was sort of stunned, and sort of amazed, and sort of thrilled that they were hanging on my wall.  it was weird.  

these along with a great many other things in my apartment are hers, or they were before i got my hands on them.  i usually ask in passing if i can take a few things with me when i leave, but these frames sort of just come along without permission.  she has buckets upon boxes upon baskets of them in the basement.  they sit next to old chairs, christmas ornaments, and boxes of food stowed away for a coming crisis.  these frames are part of the large collection of trinkets that i call my  joan-knacks, the things that remind me of her and her house; these objects are things that make her make sense to me.  they are the things that ensconce her walls, and her photos, and her pictures and paintings, they're the things she collects or keeps underneath her bed.  i explained the her i have in my head and why these frames are important to me.  she was sort of taken aback by the number of things i had in my apartment that looked "awfully familar," but she loved that they are part of my life now.  

as for the parasols, my love affair with parasols goes way back.  when i was little my aunt and cousin lived in the philippines.  jackie and molly would send me things from asia that they'd find in different markets.  one of my favorite gifts was a set of fantastic parasols.  petite umbrellas of dark burnished orange paper covered in ornate paintings of botany and asian characters.  i used to set them up on an old blanket in the living room while my mom watched china beach, a 1980's television show about Vietnam.  I would pretend I was in the philippines with Molly or that i too was in Vietnam.  What can i say, i have a thing for parasols.  They're part of my one childhood memory of actual imagination.  So, when aaron brought the orange one back from thailand last summer i remembered all of this and felt grateful.    

it isn't just reminiscing that i do with objects.  they just make my world make sense.  they are the small gifts given by friends, post cards from travelers, old photos curling at the edges, papers, letters, notes, measuring cups and surely gold frames and parasols.  

additionally

i am pissed at john edwards. 

i have a crush on michael phelps.

i spent the whole weekend watching movies. 

i also figured out my apartment's decor. 

got some snazzy new red flats

and i love truffles (the fungus, not the chocolate).  

glad i got that off my chest.  

also, taking the gre october...5th.  

still hate math.  

dearies

today i went to south center.  south center mall should only be visited on week days when there will be approximately 5,000 less people there taking up the oxygen you need to use for my favorite all natural anti-anxiety remedy--breathing.  that place is a cluster fuck.  period.

an old friend

lately, i've been reacquainting myself with myself.    

hello, julia, how are you?  good, but i'm tired.  i can't even form sentences anymore.  

i discovered this was a problem about two weeks ago when a friend of a friend said, "that was the most vague sentence i've ever heard."  how embarrassing.  i can't blame them, my mind is mush.  i'm busy these days.  so many facts, words, and topics swell in my head that i am experiencing a significant information overload and the first thing to succumb is my speech.  losing the ability to communicate is never favorable, and it is causing self doubt like no one's business.   so, in an effort to cleanse the head, i've been shedding and it feels very good.  

it all started about a year ago.  

i contracted something called who am I and where am i going, i'm almost 25 and i'm scared to death that i haven't figured all of this out yet disease.  instead of making decisions and moving toward something (the next step, the next place, etc) i've been wallowing in a safety net of sorts.  wallowing is nice for a while but then 12 months later you're in the same place you were when the mess started and you're no less uncertain.  

two months ago i decided that i needed to dedicate more time to myself.  two years out of college and i spend no more than one night every two weeks to myself.  i admit that i'm a person who loved interaction, but i recently realized exactly how draining it is.  committing so much of my time and energy to other people has left me totally void of any knowledge of myself.  last july, last november, last february i was not able to write a description of myself that didn't involve significant discussion of my relationship to other people as opposed to my relationship to myself.  

this is significant because in the last year i've grown more than i realized and did not stop long enough to understand the significance of that growth and how it has affected me.   so, in june i decided that there are things i want to do daily, weekly, monthly to help me get to know myself again, and without making it a priority it would not happen.  so, i decided to engage in activities in a time frame i designed for myself surrounded by the people who (without fail) support and encourage me in the direction i want to go.  i bought a new computer, a new camera, rented a new apartment, wrote a list of things i want to accomplish in the short and long-term, and i'm using these tools to enhance myself and sharing them with people i love.

the 25 before 25 is still ongoing, and i am happy to report that it has both inspired and motivated me to concentrate on the things that matter most to me.  i'm consistently photographing, i strive to say one good thing about myself or my surroundings every morning or evening, i am trying to cook more and be more inventive and imaginative in the kitchen and share the fruits of my labor with friends, i'm learning to let go and share more, i am engaging in creative endeavors, i'm diversifying the scope of people i interact with, i'm applying to graduate school, deciding the next steps in my life, and most importantly i am rediscovering the characteristics and qualities i love in people and things.  and all of this feels great.

i guess what i'm saying here is that i am happier than i have been in the last year; i'm the best version of myself I can be right now and for that i am incredibly grateful.  shedding all the muck from my mind will hopefully allow me to improve communication with others eventually, as for now i'm quite content communicating with myself.  

pardon my french

in honor of bastille day i will list some of the best ways to enjoy french culture in america:

-buy lavender; fill a clear milk jar halfway to the top and place 5 stems of lavender in jar and set on your table.
-go into your kitchen, make yourself cafe au lait, then put a four rounds of chevre on sliced baguette and toast, drizzle with honey and enjoy them with dressed greens
-before you leave work, go to your local patisserie and buy two orange macaroons to share with your best friend, boyfriend, or yourself.
-wear a beret!
-drink french wine with a wedge of brie and toast drizzled with pistou
-smoke cigarettes on your fire escape while drinking Perrier
-google an image of the statue of liberty and cherish your independence

voila, mes amis!

ugh

Rumor has it that the elevators in my building are the fastest on the west coast. I know this because at least four conversations about elevator speed occur in my presence every week. Perplexing. Why does the probability for awkward elevator conversations increase when elevators move quickly rather than more slowly? The only thing working in my favor is that the sinus infection haunting my head has rendered my hearing nearly obsolete. Never thought I’d say it, but thank you, mr. nose infection.

onward and upward

i'm writing this from inside my new apartment with the keys of my new computer reporting that i start a gre course tomorrow and assuredly stating that making the 25 before i turn twenty-five list was the greatest decision i've ever made in my life.  onward and upward!!