an old friend

lately, i've been reacquainting myself with myself.    

hello, julia, how are you?  good, but i'm tired.  i can't even form sentences anymore.  

i discovered this was a problem about two weeks ago when a friend of a friend said, "that was the most vague sentence i've ever heard."  how embarrassing.  i can't blame them, my mind is mush.  i'm busy these days.  so many facts, words, and topics swell in my head that i am experiencing a significant information overload and the first thing to succumb is my speech.  losing the ability to communicate is never favorable, and it is causing self doubt like no one's business.   so, in an effort to cleanse the head, i've been shedding and it feels very good.  

it all started about a year ago.  

i contracted something called who am I and where am i going, i'm almost 25 and i'm scared to death that i haven't figured all of this out yet disease.  instead of making decisions and moving toward something (the next step, the next place, etc) i've been wallowing in a safety net of sorts.  wallowing is nice for a while but then 12 months later you're in the same place you were when the mess started and you're no less uncertain.  

two months ago i decided that i needed to dedicate more time to myself.  two years out of college and i spend no more than one night every two weeks to myself.  i admit that i'm a person who loved interaction, but i recently realized exactly how draining it is.  committing so much of my time and energy to other people has left me totally void of any knowledge of myself.  last july, last november, last february i was not able to write a description of myself that didn't involve significant discussion of my relationship to other people as opposed to my relationship to myself.  

this is significant because in the last year i've grown more than i realized and did not stop long enough to understand the significance of that growth and how it has affected me.   so, in june i decided that there are things i want to do daily, weekly, monthly to help me get to know myself again, and without making it a priority it would not happen.  so, i decided to engage in activities in a time frame i designed for myself surrounded by the people who (without fail) support and encourage me in the direction i want to go.  i bought a new computer, a new camera, rented a new apartment, wrote a list of things i want to accomplish in the short and long-term, and i'm using these tools to enhance myself and sharing them with people i love.

the 25 before 25 is still ongoing, and i am happy to report that it has both inspired and motivated me to concentrate on the things that matter most to me.  i'm consistently photographing, i strive to say one good thing about myself or my surroundings every morning or evening, i am trying to cook more and be more inventive and imaginative in the kitchen and share the fruits of my labor with friends, i'm learning to let go and share more, i am engaging in creative endeavors, i'm diversifying the scope of people i interact with, i'm applying to graduate school, deciding the next steps in my life, and most importantly i am rediscovering the characteristics and qualities i love in people and things.  and all of this feels great.

i guess what i'm saying here is that i am happier than i have been in the last year; i'm the best version of myself I can be right now and for that i am incredibly grateful.  shedding all the muck from my mind will hopefully allow me to improve communication with others eventually, as for now i'm quite content communicating with myself.  

onward and upward

i'm writing this from inside my new apartment with the keys of my new computer reporting that i start a gre course tomorrow and assuredly stating that making the 25 before i turn twenty-five list was the greatest decision i've ever made in my life.  onward and upward!!

25 things to do before i turn twenty-five

i am making this list because i operate best with direction. i'm almost 25, there are a lot of things i want to do before then, not because i have to, but because i want to. i've got the resources so why not. so, therefore, i present, a list, of 25 things i want to do before i turn twenty-five.

1. apply to grad-school

2. live on my own

3. take a photography class

4. go to the pacific north west coast (oregon, or washington)

5. visit a new state

6. participate in a collective project or exchange

7. run a 5-k

8. visit another country

9. attend one cultural community event a month

10. buy a new computer

11. take one photo a day

12. perfect the skill of roasting chicken

13. teach myself to bind books

14. spend one day every two weeks entirely alone

15. say yes to the things i am interested in; say no to things I don't want to do

16. purchase produce at all of Seattle's farmers markets and make a dish from those ingredients

17. prepare, at least, four recipes from my gastronomic publications per month

18. go on a road trip without a specific destination

19. develop a green thumb by growing an amaryllis

20. write a letter to every person I admire letting them know why

21. draw a map of my favorite places in Seattle

22. amend my outlook; say one good thing about myself/my surroundings every day

23. conquer my fear of open water, start by swimming in lake Washington

24. improve my written communication

25. Vote.

bricks and mortar

I’ve always talked about who I am in relation to my environment. It is likely that this fact subconsciously influenced why I chose to go on and study urban policy during my undergrad years and why I intend to pursue urban planning at the graduate level at some point in the future. Simply put, I have always viewed a person’s surrounding environment as one of the most affecting circumstances of life. Whether it is immediate surroundings or the larger built-environment of our cities and towns, the influence of location on our psyche inevitably has profound implications on our happiness; at least it does for me.

Environment has the ability to transform and enliven, motivate and inspire, it has the ability to make believing possible. It is everywhere and it is everything. It is walls, buildings, cupboards, floors, stairs, vases, curtains, photos, flowers, sidewalks, cafes, storefronts, art, businesses, layout, details and design, policies, economics, and most importantly, people. Environment is important; it shapes who we are and who we can ultimately become.

So here I embark, to reflect upon the structures of memory. It will be writings about the bricks and mortar, the steel and stone, the wood and nails that give context to my world. It will be an endeavor to understand exactly how and why the structures of our life are, in a way, the story of our life.