dearies

today i went to south center.  south center mall should only be visited on week days when there will be approximately 5,000 less people there taking up the oxygen you need to use for my favorite all natural anti-anxiety remedy--breathing.  that place is a cluster fuck.  period.

an old friend

lately, i've been reacquainting myself with myself.    

hello, julia, how are you?  good, but i'm tired.  i can't even form sentences anymore.  

i discovered this was a problem about two weeks ago when a friend of a friend said, "that was the most vague sentence i've ever heard."  how embarrassing.  i can't blame them, my mind is mush.  i'm busy these days.  so many facts, words, and topics swell in my head that i am experiencing a significant information overload and the first thing to succumb is my speech.  losing the ability to communicate is never favorable, and it is causing self doubt like no one's business.   so, in an effort to cleanse the head, i've been shedding and it feels very good.  

it all started about a year ago.  

i contracted something called who am I and where am i going, i'm almost 25 and i'm scared to death that i haven't figured all of this out yet disease.  instead of making decisions and moving toward something (the next step, the next place, etc) i've been wallowing in a safety net of sorts.  wallowing is nice for a while but then 12 months later you're in the same place you were when the mess started and you're no less uncertain.  

two months ago i decided that i needed to dedicate more time to myself.  two years out of college and i spend no more than one night every two weeks to myself.  i admit that i'm a person who loved interaction, but i recently realized exactly how draining it is.  committing so much of my time and energy to other people has left me totally void of any knowledge of myself.  last july, last november, last february i was not able to write a description of myself that didn't involve significant discussion of my relationship to other people as opposed to my relationship to myself.  

this is significant because in the last year i've grown more than i realized and did not stop long enough to understand the significance of that growth and how it has affected me.   so, in june i decided that there are things i want to do daily, weekly, monthly to help me get to know myself again, and without making it a priority it would not happen.  so, i decided to engage in activities in a time frame i designed for myself surrounded by the people who (without fail) support and encourage me in the direction i want to go.  i bought a new computer, a new camera, rented a new apartment, wrote a list of things i want to accomplish in the short and long-term, and i'm using these tools to enhance myself and sharing them with people i love.

the 25 before 25 is still ongoing, and i am happy to report that it has both inspired and motivated me to concentrate on the things that matter most to me.  i'm consistently photographing, i strive to say one good thing about myself or my surroundings every morning or evening, i am trying to cook more and be more inventive and imaginative in the kitchen and share the fruits of my labor with friends, i'm learning to let go and share more, i am engaging in creative endeavors, i'm diversifying the scope of people i interact with, i'm applying to graduate school, deciding the next steps in my life, and most importantly i am rediscovering the characteristics and qualities i love in people and things.  and all of this feels great.

i guess what i'm saying here is that i am happier than i have been in the last year; i'm the best version of myself I can be right now and for that i am incredibly grateful.  shedding all the muck from my mind will hopefully allow me to improve communication with others eventually, as for now i'm quite content communicating with myself.  

pardon my french

in honor of bastille day i will list some of the best ways to enjoy french culture in america:

-buy lavender; fill a clear milk jar halfway to the top and place 5 stems of lavender in jar and set on your table.
-go into your kitchen, make yourself cafe au lait, then put a four rounds of chevre on sliced baguette and toast, drizzle with honey and enjoy them with dressed greens
-before you leave work, go to your local patisserie and buy two orange macaroons to share with your best friend, boyfriend, or yourself.
-wear a beret!
-drink french wine with a wedge of brie and toast drizzled with pistou
-smoke cigarettes on your fire escape while drinking Perrier
-google an image of the statue of liberty and cherish your independence

voila, mes amis!

ugh

Rumor has it that the elevators in my building are the fastest on the west coast. I know this because at least four conversations about elevator speed occur in my presence every week. Perplexing. Why does the probability for awkward elevator conversations increase when elevators move quickly rather than more slowly? The only thing working in my favor is that the sinus infection haunting my head has rendered my hearing nearly obsolete. Never thought I’d say it, but thank you, mr. nose infection.

onward and upward

i'm writing this from inside my new apartment with the keys of my new computer reporting that i start a gre course tomorrow and assuredly stating that making the 25 before i turn twenty-five list was the greatest decision i've ever made in my life.  onward and upward!!

25 things to do before i turn twenty-five

i am making this list because i operate best with direction. i'm almost 25, there are a lot of things i want to do before then, not because i have to, but because i want to. i've got the resources so why not. so, therefore, i present, a list, of 25 things i want to do before i turn twenty-five.

1. apply to grad-school

2. live on my own

3. take a photography class

4. go to the pacific north west coast (oregon, or washington)

5. visit a new state

6. participate in a collective project or exchange

7. run a 5-k

8. visit another country

9. attend one cultural community event a month

10. buy a new computer

11. take one photo a day

12. perfect the skill of roasting chicken

13. teach myself to bind books

14. spend one day every two weeks entirely alone

15. say yes to the things i am interested in; say no to things I don't want to do

16. purchase produce at all of Seattle's farmers markets and make a dish from those ingredients

17. prepare, at least, four recipes from my gastronomic publications per month

18. go on a road trip without a specific destination

19. develop a green thumb by growing an amaryllis

20. write a letter to every person I admire letting them know why

21. draw a map of my favorite places in Seattle

22. amend my outlook; say one good thing about myself/my surroundings every day

23. conquer my fear of open water, start by swimming in lake Washington

24. improve my written communication

25. Vote.

the progressive politics of possiblity

yesterday hillary clinton suspended her campaign for president and announced her endorsement of and support for barack obama. i admit, i'm elated about this. i'm definitely happy for many reasons, but mostly I'm relieved that the democratic party can finally begin to coalesce and campaign against the republican machine. i know the primary season was long, and that some argue it was bitter and spiteful, but i think it was remarkable in that it actually didn't resort to the mud-slinging, swift boating that we've experienced in campaigns past; instead, every american eligible and willing to vote had the opportunity and most importantly, barriers were broken and glass ceilings were shattered.

i want to address clinton, the senator, the candidate, the woman. i want to acknowledge the grace with which senator clinton spoke about senator obama yesterday, her expression of commitment to his candidacy, and mostly how her efforts over the course of her campaign have given me quite a bit of hope.

senator clinton gracefully suspended her campaign yesterday and threw her full support behind senator obama and his campaign. i know it took her a long time to step aside, but for some reason it feels right that she did it on her own accord. her speech made it obvious that she has a commitment to the united states that is no less great than that of sen. obama. they are both exceptional leaders who want nothing but the best for this country and for its people. yesterday, she was eloquent and graceful in her speech, acknowledging senator obama's abilities and and qualifications, “I have served in the Senate with him for four years...in this campaign with him for 16 months...stood on the stage and gone toe-to-toe with him in 22 debates. i’ve had a front-row seat to his candidacy, and I have seen his strength and determination, his grace and his grit.” this is what i would expect from her, sen. clinton does not hate barack obama, she just ran a campaign the only way she knew how and her behavior was no less similar to that of any man who came before her.

i suppose, though, what really struck me about this was the time she took to acknowledge the remarkable feat she accomplished, she is a woman who ran for president of the united states of america, who won primary state victories, and engaged in the national political discourse as an equal of men. this is what i am proud of. she said,

"you can be so proud that, from now on, it will be unremarkable for a woman to win primary state victories, unremarkable to have a woman in a close race to be our nominee, unremarkable to think that a woman can be the president of the United States,” she said. “To those who are disappointed that we couldn't go all of the way, especially the young people who put so much into this campaign, it would break my heart if, in falling short of my goal, I in any way discouraged any of you from pursuing yours.”

i am the daughter and granddaughter of very strong women, who for much of their lives have fought against the patriarchy and misogyny that tries (has tried) to keep them from lofty aspirations or achieving their goals. i have heard about this from birth. i have been very confidently instructed in my own capacity and capability, often encountering surprise and resistance to my approach to the world. But, whatever. I am proud to see the endeavors of the feminist era finally manifest, opening doors and cracking open ceilings for me and the women and men older and younger than myself.

just because senator clinton didn't win the nomination does not mean she failed. she has successfully given me hope and proudly exclaimed that she has every right to make decisions on her own account (even the pesky decision of when she should step aside and let a man take center stage). and for that, i'm really very thankful.

i look forward to this campaign with hopefulness. i look forward to this campaign for the possibility it promises, for the hopefulness supporting its lofty, progressive platform of the politics of yes, we can! we, man and woman, finally, equally capable and committed to a new united states of america.