jobs i don't have, educations i didn't get

hello.

note: i am unemployed.  tack it on to the list of monumental changes that occurred this year.  

note: i am no longer in finance.  

note: i took the GRE.   When this test is taken, there is a box the test taker elects to check that then sends the test taker's scores to a bank from which graduate programs can recruit the adept.  

note: i want to study public policy.  

here is a list of programs that have recruited me thus far:

I-schools (read: libraries)

Business Schools (moving away from these at a perpetually increasing rate)

Masters in Teaching schools (pretty much hate kids)

Art programs (could be fun, but thus far my only artistic talent is lattice pie crust)

from this i have gathered that my scores are not so much appealing to policy programs, and therefore have decided will use my rather advanced analytical writing skills to persuade them that the GRE is a miserable measure of potential, and imply that because i am inept at math I am that much better at other things. 

like being annoyed and irritated that i have all sorts of time to think about this now.  come on, obviously, i would make an excellent bureaucrat.

Things I'm good at

Approximately, seven minutes ago I ruined hard boiled eggs.  Before I go on a rant about my deficiencies in egg preparation, I will simply place blame my mother who hates eggs in every form and my sister who is allergic.  For me, eggs are fine, I neither love them nor hate them, but despite this, I'll tell you, when I fuck up a hard boiled egg or the yolk of the fried variety it really burns my ass.  Thanks, Ellen. 

On the upside, I have lots of skills that are wholly unrelated to eggs.  For instance, I am very good at spelling, and painting pottery, and making conversation, and finding interesting things on the Internet.  The latter contributes mostly to my current hobby, and potentially my greatest strength, not studying for the GRE, which is the topic of discussion today.  

Plain and simple, there are a lot of things I love.  Most, I love learning new things.  Tell me about something I've never heard of before and I will gladly sit in as your captive audience for as long as you like to go on about the said subject.  And after I'm done I'll do no end of research on the subject if I end up particularly engaged.  This why I think I'm an excellent candidate for graduate studies.  There is so much I want to have the opportunity to learn about, and the exciting and frustrating part is making the decision of exactly what discipline is the best match for my curiosity. 

The focus of the research I will eventually undertake as a graduate student will revolve around geographic and economic factors affecting populations in post-industrial American cities.   Think the decline and fall of rubber companies in Akron, Ohio and its affect on housing prices, or white flight and suburban dispersal in inner-city Detroit and its affect on the economic base, or consider the economic influence of stagnant community growth within single industry economies.  These are things I'm interested in understanding, and I find this research valuable as SO many American cities succumb to patterns such as these as a result of globalization and industrial decline in the United States.  

So, the question is, what program is the best fit for me?  Should I study Urban Geography and critically study the economic and social impact of economic decline on single industry communities, or should I study urban planning and master a tool kit to build better cities, or should I study public administration and compare and contrast methods for allocation resources to populations in post-industrial cities (person vs. place based tax distribution) to  develop a more efficient and effective economic foundation?  

Obviously, there is a place for me within all of these disciplines.  Right now it seems the only clear decision I've made is that there are three excellent choices with no clear stand-out.  Sure, it would be awesome to think critically and investigate geographies, but it would also be excellent to be a policy genius.  Clearly, I don't know how to go about making the decision; I don't know what to do.  

Except, maybe, pretend I'm really good at boiling eggs.

if this were pinball

Honest to god, I feel personally jilted by the American financial system and the longstanding policy of deregulation that has led us to this place, the place we find ourselves today.   It goes something like this:

Prey upon the poor and lend money to them because they have poor credit! and limited financial capacity! and need money! and then you can eventually raise their interest rates a 100% after four years! and you'll make out like a fat cat! 

except when those people with poor credit and limited financial skills can't make the payments with the increased interest rates, and since you already cut their loan up and sold it to the i-bank down the street for a hefty profit, it isn't the credit union calling for money, or even the state, it's the i-bank that bought it and obviously can only take the house, because it has some value.  but there is still a loss.

then just when the creditor can't pay (i.e. middle class Americans), demand capital and put unknown pressure on the financial system!  and leave hundreds of thousands of Americans without homes!  

Don't fret, those companies can just write their debt down.  No worries!

But then come September.  Recall January when there were 5 i-banks that existed, now down two a paltry September set.  And somewhere in the neighborhood of, oh, i don't know, 150,000 American jobs shit canned.  

And there you go, the short version of why America is what America is today.  Why McCain thinks the fundamentals of our Economy is strong.  And why I feel jilted.

It amazes me that the men and women who exploited so many poor Americans all of a sudden know what it's like to be on the short end of their trade. 

And the sad thing is, while I want not to feel bad for them, I can't, because I sympathize with all of them, and every other American who is also affected by the financial tumult we experienced today.  Because today something big happened, and it is going to grow even bigger over the next several months.  

You know what, this is the fierce urgency of now.  And it is about politics and policy, about rich and poor, and the ability to call ourselves Americans.  Americans who stand on foundations of our making and not the foundations of foreign making, because a foreign bailout leaves the greatest country in the world as insolvent as its banks.  

And that's scarier than I know how to imagine right now.