an old friend

lately, i've been reacquainting myself with myself.    

hello, julia, how are you?  good, but i'm tired.  i can't even form sentences anymore.  

i discovered this was a problem about two weeks ago when a friend of a friend said, "that was the most vague sentence i've ever heard."  how embarrassing.  i can't blame them, my mind is mush.  i'm busy these days.  so many facts, words, and topics swell in my head that i am experiencing a significant information overload and the first thing to succumb is my speech.  losing the ability to communicate is never favorable, and it is causing self doubt like no one's business.   so, in an effort to cleanse the head, i've been shedding and it feels very good.  

it all started about a year ago.  

i contracted something called who am I and where am i going, i'm almost 25 and i'm scared to death that i haven't figured all of this out yet disease.  instead of making decisions and moving toward something (the next step, the next place, etc) i've been wallowing in a safety net of sorts.  wallowing is nice for a while but then 12 months later you're in the same place you were when the mess started and you're no less uncertain.  

two months ago i decided that i needed to dedicate more time to myself.  two years out of college and i spend no more than one night every two weeks to myself.  i admit that i'm a person who loved interaction, but i recently realized exactly how draining it is.  committing so much of my time and energy to other people has left me totally void of any knowledge of myself.  last july, last november, last february i was not able to write a description of myself that didn't involve significant discussion of my relationship to other people as opposed to my relationship to myself.  

this is significant because in the last year i've grown more than i realized and did not stop long enough to understand the significance of that growth and how it has affected me.   so, in june i decided that there are things i want to do daily, weekly, monthly to help me get to know myself again, and without making it a priority it would not happen.  so, i decided to engage in activities in a time frame i designed for myself surrounded by the people who (without fail) support and encourage me in the direction i want to go.  i bought a new computer, a new camera, rented a new apartment, wrote a list of things i want to accomplish in the short and long-term, and i'm using these tools to enhance myself and sharing them with people i love.

the 25 before 25 is still ongoing, and i am happy to report that it has both inspired and motivated me to concentrate on the things that matter most to me.  i'm consistently photographing, i strive to say one good thing about myself or my surroundings every morning or evening, i am trying to cook more and be more inventive and imaginative in the kitchen and share the fruits of my labor with friends, i'm learning to let go and share more, i am engaging in creative endeavors, i'm diversifying the scope of people i interact with, i'm applying to graduate school, deciding the next steps in my life, and most importantly i am rediscovering the characteristics and qualities i love in people and things.  and all of this feels great.

i guess what i'm saying here is that i am happier than i have been in the last year; i'm the best version of myself I can be right now and for that i am incredibly grateful.  shedding all the muck from my mind will hopefully allow me to improve communication with others eventually, as for now i'm quite content communicating with myself.